breakdown tuesday.. part deux
i find myself in a weird mood today. today is tuesday, which means i have class from 8am til 6pm with a scant break from 11-1 (if im lucky). amidst all this learning today, it dawned on me that perhaps im doing something wrong. well, more like its blatently obvious that i am definitely doing something wrong. it seems like everyone else gets everything done, while im always struggling. how come im usually the one that cant keep it together? by the end of this semester, i have to graduate, have landed a job, find an apartment, and be able to finance a car to get me to and from said alledged job. even as i write this, the thought of all of it brings me to tears. i feel like im juggling, and im about to drop everything.
its no secret that i like to go to the bar and have a good time. the problem with that is that, lately, every time im there, i cant even focus on being there bc all those things are constantly floating around in my head ad nauseam. this is a problem bc going to the bar is supossed to be fun and relaxing, but it makes me feel like im not doing the things i should and im being irresponsible.
ive said before, hindsight is 20/20. that means that amidst the current list of shit to do, im constantly analyzing things ive said/done/reacted to/etc in the past, in order to learn from them, and ultimately not make the same 'mistakes' (or whatever you want to call them) again. i dont know exactlty why i do this, although ive narrowed it down that it's to avoid redundant pain, but i really dont know. this process takes up an exorbatant amount of my brain power, and how much do i really gain out of it? all speculation...
i set very ambitious goals for myself. im trying to become a doctor and, eventually i want to contribute something substantial to humanity. (yeah it sounds halarious, but there is nothing comical about the mood im in right now.) i keep thinking: if i cant even keep it together in undergrad school, how am i ever supossed to live up to those goals?
im convinced theres some 'trick' to this fucked up life we all live, and im tryin like hell to figure it out.
its no secret that i like to go to the bar and have a good time. the problem with that is that, lately, every time im there, i cant even focus on being there bc all those things are constantly floating around in my head ad nauseam. this is a problem bc going to the bar is supossed to be fun and relaxing, but it makes me feel like im not doing the things i should and im being irresponsible.
ive said before, hindsight is 20/20. that means that amidst the current list of shit to do, im constantly analyzing things ive said/done/reacted to/etc in the past, in order to learn from them, and ultimately not make the same 'mistakes' (or whatever you want to call them) again. i dont know exactlty why i do this, although ive narrowed it down that it's to avoid redundant pain, but i really dont know. this process takes up an exorbatant amount of my brain power, and how much do i really gain out of it? all speculation...
i set very ambitious goals for myself. im trying to become a doctor and, eventually i want to contribute something substantial to humanity. (yeah it sounds halarious, but there is nothing comical about the mood im in right now.) i keep thinking: if i cant even keep it together in undergrad school, how am i ever supossed to live up to those goals?
im convinced theres some 'trick' to this fucked up life we all live, and im tryin like hell to figure it out.
posted by Mizzy at 5:28 PM
3 Comments:
'good enough job' sounds like settling to me. why try harder if you dont have to, bc its simply 'good enough'?
expensive things arent the only by product of a good job. i set goals to prove to myself that im capable of reaching higher standards. as american children, were taught from the start 'we can be anything we want to be' as long as we put our minds to it.
settling for something 'good enough' just isnt good enough for me.
I have to agree wth phil on this on. Like the saying "life is what you make it." Then Bob Dylan's "A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night, and in between, does what he wants to do."
Some people, like myself, just want to live easy, and be happy. Why torture yourself to try to "succeed" in something that someone else has already set for you? AKA society. I don't need money or posessions, to some degree. I have to pay the bills, eat, all that stuff. But I don't need 100$ pairs of jeans, or expensive cars. Those things are just temptations to get us all to work for the hugest corporation ever, the government. Those posessions are there to give you something to look forward to, for doing THEIR dirty work. Like prizes, or gifts. Thats why I'm tryin to peace the fuck out and do my thing, and not care about too much. Especially things I can't control. I just wan't to live my life how I wan't to live it. Rather than chosing a job and doing it my whole life. MY WHOLE LIFE!!! Why can't I just do what I want to do my whole life? This whole system is fucked up, and unfair. But in order for us all to live in an orderly fashion, we have to do these things. But that all leads up to what I've been talking about the whole time. Me, living in the woods, doing my thing. With a big yard, lots of free time, and doing a "job" that I want to do. just living my life. Thats what i'm talkin about!!!!
you're both missing the point.
your rationalizing mediocrity.
thats fine if all you want out of life is just to get by. you may want to 'rebel' against society bc it 'makes you work', but the truth is everybody needs a job/income to support themselves and their families. you might as well pick something you are genuinely passionate about- otherwise youre wasting your time and making yourself miserable.
the choice you have is how good do you want to make it for yourselves and your family.
dont get me wrong, if you want the bare minimum, then thats what youll get. life def is what you make it. you get out, what you put in.
all i want is more. and im willing to work as hard as i need to in order to acomplish my goals that i have set for myself.
whats wrong with that?
and ps- i picked the job title of physician bc i ultimately want to help people. i dont view that as 'doing the governments dirty work.'
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