breakdown tuesday.. part deux

i find myself in a weird mood today. today is tuesday, which means i have class from 8am til 6pm with a scant break from 11-1 (if im lucky). amidst all this learning today, it dawned on me that perhaps im doing something wrong. well, more like its blatently obvious that i am definitely doing something wrong. it seems like everyone else gets everything done, while im always struggling. how come im usually the one that cant keep it together? by the end of this semester, i have to graduate, have landed a job, find an apartment, and be able to finance a car to get me to and from said alledged job. even as i write this, the thought of all of it brings me to tears. i feel like im juggling, and im about to drop everything.

its no secret that i like to go to the bar and have a good time. the problem with that is that, lately, every time im there, i cant even focus on being there bc all those things are constantly floating around in my head ad nauseam. this is a problem bc going to the bar is supossed to be fun and relaxing, but it makes me feel like im not doing the things i should and im being irresponsible.

ive said before, hindsight is 20/20. that means that amidst the current list of shit to do, im constantly analyzing things ive said/done/reacted to/etc in the past, in order to learn from them, and ultimately not make the same 'mistakes' (or whatever you want to call them) again. i dont know exactlty why i do this, although ive narrowed it down that it's to avoid redundant pain, but i really dont know. this process takes up an exorbatant amount of my brain power, and how much do i really gain out of it? all speculation...

i set very ambitious goals for myself. im trying to become a doctor and, eventually i want to contribute something substantial to humanity. (yeah it sounds halarious, but there is nothing comical about the mood im in right now.) i keep thinking: if i cant even keep it together in undergrad school, how am i ever supossed to live up to those goals?

im convinced theres some 'trick' to this fucked up life we all live, and im tryin like hell to figure it out.

i just dont get it, and i dont think i ever will..

ok let me start off by saying that i was physically sickened today simply by hearing words. this phenomenon has occured before, but after what i heard today i sorta snapped...

a friend of mine told me that she was woken up today by 'a gasping sound' from another room. a few minutes later she heard screaming from the next room. when she went in there, her friends boyfriend was found not breathing and blue. someone attempted cpr while 911 was called. about 10 min later, the amublance arrived and asked, 'what did he take?'
and the girlfriend replied, 'heroin.'

WTF??? i dont get it. its not like people dont die from heroin, its not like no one knows whats going to happen to you when you start on it. its a downward spiral from the start.

the term cerebral hypoxia technically refers to a lack of oxygen supply to the cerebral hemispheres (the outer portion of the brain), but it is more typically used to refer to a lack of oxygen supply to the entire brain. brain cells are extremely sensitive to oxygen deprivation. some brain cells actually start dying less than 5 minutes after their oxygen supply is cut. as a result, brain hypoxia can kill or cause severe brain damage rapidly. not to mention the other side effects of heroin use.

i know for a fact this kid wasnt breathing for (at the very least) 5 min. so for the rest of his life, he could be permanently brain damaged. i just think hes lucky the amublance arrived quickly so he didnt die.

how is a chemical worth that? i dont get it..

i am so sick of hearing about someone else i know fuckin around with heroin. ITS SO PATHETIC. I DONT KNOW HOW JUNKIES DONT KNOW/UNDERSTAND THIS.

it seems like every month or so i discover another person i know is doing this pathetic drug. people i wouldve never thought would be involved with it. i dont get it. so many ppl ive graduated with are junkies. its not like they dont know the same people i know that have died from it. hell, i even know junkies that have od'd themselves and still do it.

its sad more than anything. its like junkies NEED it to function normally or theyll get dope sick. thats like self inflicted sickness- you know thats going to happen, its like part of the deal. plus people change when theyre on it. heroin takes priority over things that used to be important. i fail to recognize any possible upside to it. and if there is- enlighten me.. please.

it makes me think theres no stopping it. everyone knows what eventually happens to heroin addicts. yet drones still flock to it. even if a junkie manages to kick the habit, they will have to walk around their whole lives with a big old 'junkie' label on their forehead.

it just makes me sad to think about it. what is the point?

listen up: if your a friend of mine, and your on heroin, do me a favor and dont talk to me anymore. its always sad to lose a friend, but lets be honest, youre never going to be the same again. at least not in my eyes. your new 'fun thing to do on the weekends' is about to wind back and kick you in the dick and i dont want a front row view.

life lesson of 05: believing does not equal truth

where in the world.. ?

ive been toying with the idea of going to vegas when i graduate at the end of this semester. it sounds like a fabulous time with great people. and what a better way to celebrate graduation?

BUT- when i talked it over with my jananator (my mom for those of you who dont know me), she was like, 'well, why dont we take a trip- where do you wanna go?' then she threw out ideas such as London, Paris, or a cruise down the Nile.

yikes! since when was this an option? damn, i wouldve started thinking about this forever ago. i havent really been anywhere like that. its a very tough decision. first of all, yeah i can go anywhere, but the kicker is that id be going anywhere with my mom. right away, i can eliminate amsterdam (i dont see her taking kindly to the red light district- plus her on mushrooms would prolly give me a complex or 2) and paris (it IS for lovers after all).

great- now i wanna go to amsterdam :)

but for real, i have no idea where to pick and need ideas. so where would you go if you got to choose?

Sudoku

im sure the rest of the world has known about sudoku for a million years now, but i just played for the first time yesterday. i would say its somewhere between crossword puzzels and a rubiks cube. it seems so easy that anyone should be able to do it, but proves to be harder than you think. it took me and my aunt about 10-15 min to solve it.

end result: a fun way to pass the time, but can turn into a weirdo addiction if given the chance :/

Horoscopes: predicting the future or nonsense?

i love checking my horoscope. i do it everyday and use a few different sites. usually they are exactly right or at least on the right track. sometimes theyre a little off, but that doesnt stop me from checking it the next day. sometimes they are so on target that i think there has to be someone following me publishing my thoughts.

i dont know how they are so accurate, but they are. how are these 'meaningless' prophecies concocted?? are they exactly right or do i just want to believe they are?? and how are they right like 90% of the time???

what do you think- truth or bunk?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

ok so new years this year was a pretty good time... lots of fun with lots of fun ppl. and as you can see from the size of my empty drink in front of me, we got shitfaced as well. new years is always different every year. some years its crazy out of control, and others it might be super chill. usually i focus on getting wasted with superfun ppl and loud music (well mission accomplished i guess), but this year i feel like my focus has shifted a bit.

i did a lot of thinking this time. (when dont i do a lot of thinking :/) everyone talks about new years resolutions, but i dont know if i have one. i always try to make one up just bc everyone else does, but i dont think that counts.

i had a breakthrough in the shower this morning. i realized that making up an inconsequential goal specifically because of the time of year is futile. rather, im trying to re-evaluate the past to see how i can benefit from it. hindsight is 20/20 after all.

here are some things ive come up with so far:

1. remove negative influences- not things like alcohol and fast food, but negative behavior and people
2. be true to myself- its too often that i change myself for other people, with or without cognitively knowing it
3. dont be stupid- easier said than done i guess

yes- this will take a while to nail down, but i think its worth it. i have a brand new year ahead of me and if i have any say in it, itll be better.

everythings gonna be alright :)

more new years pics here --> http://mizzyboiga.shutterfly.com/action/